My Favorite Image of God

It's an aerial shot, looming over the trees. Green grass, two solid, barely visible trees, a white hammock, God, and me. He is holding me as I sleep and we slightly sway in the wind. "Hold You In My Arms" is playing softly in the background. 

That is the most real image of God I have ever experienced. The intimacy of that moment is overwhelming to me even now. The safety I feel as his strong arms enclose me and he lulls me to sleep. It is one of those moments when I realized how much God longs for me and how well he knows me. He knew that that image is the best thing in the world to me. Now I long for more I long to know more sides of him. I long to see his numerous personalities. I want to know more than what this small mind knows. He is unending and my knowledge of him is so finite, so microscopic. That is my prayer: to know more images of God. I want my mind to be a scrapbook of moments that I have discovered another facet of him. 

Reveal yourself, oh God

Make yourself known

I long for your love and your anger

Your grace and your mercy

Your giving and taking away

Reveal yourself, oh God

Make yourself known

I long for you, my God

for your glory to be shown 

I have but one passion: It is He, it is He alone. The world is the field and the field is the world; and henceforth that country shall be my home where I can be most used in winning souls for Christ.
- Count Nicolaus Ludwig von Zinzendorf

Love Is All You Need

So I was a little worried as I started this blog that the topic of God teaching me how to love was going to get a little redundant. Then I had another thought. Love is the basis of everything. It is the greatest commandment, why Jesus died for me and for you, the catalyst of all good, and the constant need of every living being on the planet. So to answer my own anxiety, yes it is redundant, but ever so relevant not only to my condition but to the human condition.

Spiritual maturity is the distance between what God wants you to do and how long it takes you to respond.

First off, God has been putting it on my heart to do a dating fast. I know what you must be thinking aren't you already on one? Well yes, I am. However that one was started out of compromise with my flesh and God. I had settled to do a fast, but not for as long as God had planned. His plan was through college. His plan is now my own. I'm just sad it took me so long to realize this compromise.

That being said God has been doing some awesome things because of this. God's promise to me was that he is going to teach me how to love like him. This couldn't be any better of a promise and I'm so excited that he is taking a little over four years to teach me. I also know this is in preparation for my future husband and best friend. I hope he will be satisfied with the results. 

Just in the past couple days I feel like he has been giving me little windows into the future, little promises of what is to come and what he wants for me. He has been telling me over and over that my husband is going to become my best friend. He is going to know the real me inside and out. No changes, no substitutions. That thought has given me so much hope and appreciation for God's wisdom. He knows the perfect man for me and I can't even describe how happy I am that through me looking for love in God, God is going to put together the perfect trinity. As if God whispering this wasn't enough for me to believe him I was watching a show where the spouses were going through hard times. They were fighting and everything seemed to be falling apart, but at the end of the day they were each other's best friend. Their unconditional love for each other was more than the problems of the day. Again he whispered: "That's you sweetheart. You are going to have your best friend." Overwhelming? Completely. 

And if that wasn't enough God wanted to make sure his intentions were loud and clear. Tonight he has filled me with his overflowing, all consuming sense of his presence and love. I cannot describe the vastness of it. It is feeling the atmosphere around me, my very being, even pandora. It is almost creepy how every song is about love or teaching someone about love. 

God I hear you, welcome you, and am ever so in love with you.

If God’s love is for anybody anywhere, it’s for everybody everywhere.
- Edward Lawlor, Nazarene General Superintenden

Regrets

2 Corinthians 7: 10-11

For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.

Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. You showed that you have done everything necessary to make things right.

Lately guys my mind has been in an eternal battle. God and the devil are in a war over my sanity, over my conscience, over my ability to forgive. Recently, I chose to ignore God's voice and I willingly lied myself into heartbreak. I had myself so convinced that I was right, I believed my own lie. God, with his unrelenting mercy and grace, gave me another chance to make things right and I did. Ever since I have been beating myself up over this decision. I've been so used to guarding my heart, listening to God's advice and leading, and to keeping everything sacred, and I let my guard down too soon. The devil knew this and has been making my self-torment so much worse. In attempts to shake this feeling of dread, worthlessness, regret I ran to the only thing I knew could help: my Fire Bible concordance. 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 came up and it couldn't have been more of a God thing. I can see now that yes, I was stupid, but this sorrow lead me back to my God. It tore down the walls I had built between my beloved, Oh how I have longed for my beloved. It has pushed me towards this new motivation, this new boldness, and this new forgiveness of myself and others. 

Beloved, I know you tried to save my heart and I wouldn't let you. But I'm so glad, so overwhelmingly grateful that you didn't give up on me and instead pushed me to do greater things. Thank you for wiping my tears away. Thank you for holding me as I wept in sorrowful regret. I will always do everything necessary to make things right. Beloved come hold me in your arms once again and if I ever try to leave never stop fighting. For with you, my Beloved, is where my heart will always belong.

These songs have gotten me through hell and then some. Go Jesus for making Jon Foreman.

Anywhere provided it be forward.

                                                                  – David Livingstone

I Will Give You The Desires of Your Heart

Hello everyone! I had originally planned to write about something else, and I did, then it got erased by accident. I think it was a God-thing considering what I have to write about now is much better!

This weekend has been one of the hardest I have ever experienced. God closed a door in my life that I didn't want to close. I wanted so desperately to ignore His pleading in my soul and do what I wanted, but I knew I wouldn't be happy. I couldn't bear not living in His will. However, my heart was still hurting (and still is). Though through the wondering, pain, and tears God whispered in my ear, "I will give you the desires of your heart." I don't know why that popped in my head, but I am glad it did. He never ceases to give me hope. He knows what my heart longs for, better than I do, and He has a perfect adventure waiting for me. Somehow this situation will be turned into something for His glory. Until God lets me in on the big picture I will hold on to this truth: 

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." 

Psalms 37: 4-5

God I am trusting in you and I take delight in your company, plan, and mystery. Take this life and guide it to brighter shores, guide it to your will. I take delight in you and you take delight in me. I thank you for always protecting me from myself and I pray I will let you keep doing so. Take this life and make it yours. Amen.

 He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.

- Jim Elliot

Just To Be With You

Imagine the person you care about the most in the entire world. What would you do just to be with them? Fly halfway around the world? Sprint through traffic? Ride an elephant down I-64? Now imagine what efforts you have made to spend time with Jesus this week. Does it come close? If it does then congratulations you are a better person than I am. However, I want to change that. God has put it on the hearts of The Edge staff to fast this week. Not going to lie, but I forgot about it. Dylan and Brittni reminded me of it. Don't worry I picked up the slack! I am so excited because I know God is going to use this to get us even closer, to help us become one. Use this week to redefine your relationship with God. Have your own retreat at in your self. Refresh yourselves children of God, for He is coming to rain down on us.

Dear Lord,
I miss your voice beckoning me. I pray for your spirit on my life once more. I thank you for the time we will spend together and I thank you for  the lives will be changed because of what you are going to do through myself fand I others around me.

Another huge thing that has been affecting my life now is my dating fast. It kind of came out of nowhere. I was praying upstairs because I missed youth prayer. I felt so disconnected from everything: from youth, my friends, my parents, from God. I was so numb. I longed to feel God's presence again and I was frustrated because I couldn't figure out how to move myself out of the way. Then God finally spoke. The words were a shock: "Hannah what would you do if I asked you to never get married." I looked up and bawled my eyes out for a good twenty minutes. Finally after that I said, "God you know that is probably the hardest thing you could ever ask me to do, but if this is you I will do it." Then the dating fast came up. I guess it's His way of teaching me how to put Him before anyone else in my life. I have already messed it up, but I have it back on track and I know these next six months are going to be extremely challenging for me. I need your prayer. Pray I can stay strong and that I can use this time to become the woman God created me to be. To run after him and only him. That is my heart, but my flesh cries out and pulls me in the opposite direction. I'm at a constant battle with myself and the devil is well aware. He is trying with all of his might to bring up old hurt, to create new hurt, and to hurt others around me that matter to me. I want to bind that, so will you partner with me? 

I want just to be with you oh Lord. I long for you as you long for me. Lead me towards you, call out for me, light the path to you oh Lord because I need your guidance. Make me wise like you and help me hear your voice, because my soul longs to please you and I can't bear to feel your disappointment any longer. I desire to make you proud oh God. My heart breaks for you and please break it for others. Show me how to be like you. No more turning back.

. Anywhere provided it be forward.
– David Livingstone

Hey Just Wanted To Say I Believe In You

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

God has known I would be His missionary ever since he dreamed me up in my mother's tummy. I have known for almost as long, but God always loves to remind me about it. He knows me so well, He can tell if self-doubt starts to sneak in or discouragement tries to take root. So He decided to remind me of how much he believes in me, even if I mess up sometimes. While I was in New Jersey two weeks ago our family friend, and the present youth pastor, approached me. He told me how my dad had talked to him about my plans for the future and he said he wanted to be apart of it. So he and his wife, Buffy, committed to be my first sponsors for when I go on the missions field. Wow. That just made me feel so unworthy and happy and a thousand other things. God is already providing for me before I even started preparation to go. I'm just awestruck that He believes in me and that he could make someone else believe in me too. 

 "Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth"

Jeremiah 33:6

Another thing God has done to show me of His faith is heal me. For a long time I have had issues with my hips. They were crooked, causing a slight scoliosis in my back, and that caused my shoulders to be offset. Not only that, but my right hip didn't function correctly when I lifted my lef impairing my range of motion. What does all this mean? It basically means dancing, especially balance and flexibility, was very hard or painful for me. This month has been the "Month of Miracles" and again two weeks ago God told me it was time to get healed. So I walked up in faith and though I didn't feel any sensations or burning or other things people describe as feeling when they are healed I knew I was. At dance I could see and feel the difference. God is so amazing. He knows what our inner most heart wants and when we line our lives up with His will He makes a way for us. 

How has God been showing you He believes in you? 

"The will of God — nothing less, nothing more, nothing else." — F. E. Marsh (also attributed to Bobby Richardson)

Crap I Forgot About That...

    Being on vacation has opened up my eyes to a few things. One is how amazing So You Think You Can Dance is! The dancer's emotional connection to choreography and don't get me started on the choreography! I watch every week and just how the choreographers take a storyline and portray it is amazing! I love, love, LOVE it. It got me thinking about things I want to choreograph, things I want to write and sing. What will it be about? How will I take all of my experiences and portray it so that people can feel my heart and from that feeling change. Will people be able to see the God in it?

    Over this summer God has shown me how many dreams I have left behind; how many of the dreams and gifts He placed that I had left behind. So after realizing all of this and asking all of the previous questions I asked God to breathe life back into my creative side. And well, He did. I was probably up for at least an hour just writing a song God put on my heart and I probably would have kept going, but I was tired. My creativity still needs to have more direction, but with practice and God's guidance it will.

    In light of this discovery I ask the question what dreams have you left behind that you should be running to pick up again? What urge that God has put on your heart have you denied? Some advice: If you want to be happy, if you want to have more gifts go get the ones God gave you!

"Is not the commission of our Lord still binding upon us? Can we not do more than now we are doing?" — William Carey